Those Words from My Parent That Helped Me during my time as a First-Time Dad

"I believe I was merely trying to survive for the first year."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the difficulties of being a father.

Yet the reality rapidly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health issues around the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her main carer as well as caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I handled every night time, every nappy change… every walk. The role of both parents," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You aren't in a good place. You must get some help. What can I do to help you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and start recovering.

His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While society is now more accustomed to discussing the pressure on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his difficulties are symptomatic of a broader failure to communicate among men, who often internalise negative ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."

"It isn't a display of weakness to seek help. I failed to do that soon enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - especially ahead of a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the space to take a pause - going on a few days abroad, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a change to consider his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of looking after a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she needed" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to better grasp the expression of emotion and understand his parenting choices.

The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, long-standing trauma meant his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says repressing feelings caused him to make "terrible choices" when younger to modify how he felt, finding solace in substance use as a way out from the pain.

"You gravitate to things that don't help," he explains. "They can briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - when you are swamped, confide in a trusted person, your partner or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include going for a run, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, physical activity and where possible, resting, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, and also the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help is not failure - looking after you is the best way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead offer the security and nurturing he lacked.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the feelings constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I believe my job is to teach and advise you on life, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering just as much as you are in this journey."